Several years ago, in an effort to maintain harmonious family relations, my family instituted a rule: no politics at the dinner table. As a conflict avoidance strategy, it works brilliantly and is strictly enforced by all parties when the temperature of the conversation starts to rise.
As Albertans plod towards both Provincial and Federal elections in 2019, sane people will continue to institute this rule, and will be much better for it. However, as political parties increasingly use fear and anger to motivate voters, our conversations with others become increasingly polarized.
As the anxiety that all sides feel about the future of our country continues to grow, perhaps ignoring the problem for the sake of harmony is as realistic as hoping a compound fracture will heal itself.
Is it possible that if we equipped ourselves with better tools to navigate these difficult conversations, we could actually make progress forward as a society, and make our relationships with family and friends stronger?
I spoke with Registered Canadian Psychotherapist Jessica Renney about communication strategies that can help you broach important topics without turning your feast into a food fight.
1. Intent – What is the intent of having this conversation? Renney cautions against adopting an intent of trying to convince other people to buy into your opinion in these situations. People have their own complex belief systems, and it can open the conversation up to escalation if one party becomes frustrated with the lack of progress.
“When our intention is to just hear that person, so much more gets done, than if our intention is to convince somebody,” says Renney.
If the intent is to hear and be heard, then it becomes easier for conversations to move past sticking points, which is often where the temptation for pettiness starts to creep in.
2. Listening – This may seem obvious at first, but when you intend to hear and be heard, then you safeguard yourself against falling into one of the most common pitfalls of difficult social interactions.
“People don’t listen to each other, they position themselves to defend their point rather than actually listening to what the person is saying,” said Renney.
If you allow yourself to be present during the conversation instead of scanning your brain for a rebuttal, then you’ll be more likely understand where the other person is coming from.
3. Content vs. Communication – Often people react badly to the way content is being communicated, rather than what’s actually in the content. For example, if someone is speaking in an aggressive or condescending manner, people will automatically shut off, even if that person’s points are salient.
“If you take yourself out of a situation and watch two people having an argument, a lot of the triggers aren’t about the content, most of the triggers are about the way in which the content is communicated,” said Renney.
By being mindful of how you’re communicating a message, you can potentially avoid accidentally escalating the discussion with your verbal and non-verbal cues.
4. Validation – This is terrible advice if you’re trying to win an argument, however if your goal is to have a calm and constructive conversation, this is a must do.
“We don’t all have to agree on the same thing, we all just want to feel like that person understands that we have the capacity to have a point,” says Renney.
By simply acknowledging that other people’s opinions have a right to exist, you can be more tolerant of people that have different perspectives than yours.
5. Tread lightly with technology – Technology has created new and more immediate avenues for us to clash with people we care about. A poorly conceived social media post or an undisciplined email has the potential to ruin dinner before it starts.
“It’s the social media era that we’re in; we are privy to so much more information about people than we ever were,” said Renney.
Renney recommends using a lot of the previous strategies online as you do in person. However, if you’ve sent an ugly direct message to somebody, Renney recommends taking a pause and getting ahead of the problem. When we give ourselves more time to process, we stand a better chance of making a more informed decision.
“We live in a world that is very impulsive and we don’t give ourselves time to feel,” said Renney.
Once you’ve assessed how you feel, call that person and let them know what you’ve done, and the thought process that you’ve had since sending it. They’re still likely to read the incriminating message, but hopefully next time you see that person at a gathering, they’ll still be willing to pass the gravy.
Follow me on Twitter @thebeluganews
Featured image: Mark Wiseman